His Siha
by JessicaJ
Summary: -Earthy, salty taste on your tongue. Pale skin cast silver by starlight. Warm body beneath yours, moving, breathing in unison. Siha- He will never forget her, for as long as he lives. FemShepxThane
1. Before Omega

**His Siha.**

**Before Omega**

Intrigued. That's how she would have described it.

She'd met many weird and wonderful 'people' on her journey across the galaxy-- Krogan, Salarian, Turian, Geth, Quarian, Elcor, Volus and Asari she was most familiar with, but then there were the aggressive Batarians, the ghastly Vorcha, and the humble Hanar. Not to mention Rachni, Varren and one ancient Thorian.

But the Drell assassin was… something different.

His body had slid like fluid from an overhead ventilation shaft, his hands had moved before his victims could even register his presence, and snapped their fragile necks. He took down his target with deadly efficiency, speed and even… grace. Shepard couldn't explain how killing could be described as beautiful, but there wasn't any other way to. Then he had offered a prayer, though whether for himself, or the fallen, she didn't quite understand.

He'd agreed to assist them on their quest to fight against the Collectors, and her shoulders had sagged in relief-- she'd anticipated heavier resistance against cooperation with Cerberus, though it seemed that many of her 'recruits' so far had agreed to help _her_, Commander Shepard of the SSV Normandy SR-2, _not_ Cerberus. So their crew was complete, consisting of a scientist Salarian (not the song), an Asari Justicar, A tank-bred blood-thirsty Krogan, a few old friends, namely Garrus and Tali'Zorah vas Normandy, two Cerberus operatives, Miranda and Jacob, and a dangerous, but extremely powerful biotic, Jack.

And now a Drell Assassin, who was feared throughout the Galaxy. If Thane was sent to kill you, ready your funeral.

Shepard returned to the Normandy with the landing party plus her newest recruit, instructing Joker en route to the Comms room to take them to another nearby system, to avoid possible retaliation from the Blue Suns, aware of his quiet footfalls behind her-- caution was clearly a practice he had perfected. It transpired he was dying-- he had informed her of his illness upon their meeting, an illness he called Kepral's syndrome. Sat at her terminal in her quarters later, she had discovered it to be a degenerative, non-contagious disease of the upper respiratory tract, an unfortunate side-effect which had resulted from the necessary removal of the Drell from their homeworld. The change in humidity was a little too sudden to result in any significant evolutionary adaptations, and a considerable proportion of the Drell population suffered from it. A sad fate, for such an interesting race of people.

She spent a little time pouring over the files EDI had forwarded to her terminal, reading over his resume. Not much data, she thought to herself, though that wasn't surprising. After all, who could supply intel on a shadow? No one that lived, most likely.

She leaned back in her seat, stretching her arms above her head. If she wanted to know more about this man, she supposed she would have to ask him herself. So she headed for the elevator, punching the second floor button. Her journey down was halted briefly at the first level, as yeomen Kelly boarded the elevator, giving Shepard her customary warm smile as a greeting.

"I've been looking up on Thane, Commander. I'm surprised by his spiritual side. His psych profile mentioned little of it, and he carries himself with such cold confidence. I'm not sure if I find him scary or… sexy."

Shepard gave a chuckle as the doors slid shut with a hiss, the elevator humming its descent. "I guess some women like that kind of thing."

"Some women? What about you?" Kelly glanced up from her data files, warmth in her green eyes.

"I live a dangerous life. Dangerous men fit right in, I suppose."

"Well, that's very true." They left the elevator together, Kelly heading in the direction of the mess hall, though Shepard hesitated by the doors to the life support room. Should she bother him? He had expressed a desire to reside in a dry place, no doubt where he felt most at ease. She didn't want to intrude on his meditations. "Commander, Thane wished to speak to you." Kelly had backtracked, a sheepish smile on her face. "Sorry, it slipped my mind."

Shepard smirked a little, before striding purposefully into the room. His back was turned, though she could see his reflection in the adjacent window, face smooth and impassive, his jet-coloured eyes wide, and contemplative.

And that was how she had always found him-- she often went to seek his judgement on things, and after helping him reunite with his son in the Citadel, she felt that something had changed between them. Perhaps just a bridge of trust, though she felt that he held a certain regard for her beyond simply 'Commander'.

She would ask him questions about the Drell, about how they possessed an extraordinary ability to recall any memory with perfect clarity, how he was trained from the age of six to become a killing machine. She was ever surprised by his lack of hesitance in sharing his past with her; how he met his now -dead wife, how he had hunted her murderers, how he felt no sorrow for his actions. Thane was Thane, and he was at peace with that. She sometimes wishes she had that kind of peace with herself. At night she would relive her past, wondering constantly if she had made the right choices, chosen the right path.

He often spoke of his son, Kolyat, an she was pleased that despite their troubles and history, they seemed to be on the right track towards some sort of common ground. Kolyat was only the second Drell she had ever met, and his colouring differed greatly from his father's; he was the colour of the oceans, a strange but beautiful blue tint to his skin, though he had the same obsidian eyes, a similar deep voice.

There were times he would speak of his wife, Irikah, and how he had met her. How she had stopped him from taking down a target. So perhaps there was a way to break through his toughened exterior (not quite so literally), and she soon came to learn he was a sensitive, expressive being.

_The smell of cut grass, the warmth of another's hand in yours, the taste of another's tongue in your mouth. Wouldn't you rather lose yourself in such a memory, than spend the night alone staring at walls of metal and plastic?_

Admittedly, she'd been a little embarrassed at his sharing of such a… personal memory. Many of the alien species she had met didn't share the same attitudes towards sex as humans did, for example, the Salarians, and it intrigued her to think that Drell had a similar approach when it came to romance and sex. Not to mention Thane, the stone-faced, spiritual assassin.

She would forget how good it was to hear him speak-- such a deep, rumbling voice, a voice that managed to strike both fear and pleasure; shivers inched along her spinal column when she heard it. Such an animalistic reaction, and she was sure he would be able to sense the way the tiny hairs on her body stood on end, that was nothing to do with the cool air of life support.

"Shepard…" A little hesitation on his part, though she managed a gentle smile of encouragement. "I appreciate these chats we have."

So, she was no intrusion then? "You've spent a lot of your life alone Thane."

He'd half smiled, spoken of his lack of need for anything else other than his solitude. Then; "You're the only friend I've made in ten years."

And then, Shepard's reckless, decisive side had said, "''Friend'', hmm? It's a start," Whilst her reason slapped its hand to her forehead. Instead of the reaction she feared, he considered her carefully for a moment.

"_'A start'_? That's… intriguing."

And that was the main reason she had gone to her quarters smiling that night.

On missions, he was totally focussed, and of course, she rarely allowed her mind to stray from her work; it was important, no, critical. But when time was hers to kill on the Normandy, she would allow herself the luxury of thinking. He was ill, dying as she knew, but that didn't stop her from becoming more attracted to him as time went by.

Almost the same height; he only just outstretched her, with skin the colour of fresh morning grass she remembered from her childhood, deep, thoughtful eyes that although were so different from her own, made her feel warm from the inside. His gentility genuinely thrilled her; being a military woman, she hadn't expected to receive any extra courtesy or regard for her feminity, and she was expected to do a job, and be treat just like all of the others. It was rank that earned her respect, not her sex, or her beauty.

But she found it endearing that when she sought his company he would take her hands between his as they talked. She'd been interested to know what his skin would feel like, and she found herself far from being disappointed. Thane's hands were cool, smooth to the touch, and she allowed herself to study them closely, running her fingertips over the ridges of his knuckles, the tiny bumps she guessed were the Drell equivalent to hair follicles or something similar. His fingers were long, sensitive and strong between hers.

Things stayed the same between them, and she was quite content with the comfortable relationship or whatever it was, that they had somehow slipped into, and she felt no sudden need to pursue anything else.

Though it seemed somebody else had anticipated otherwise.

Seated at her terminal one evening in the ethereal light from her fish tank, a message flashed up on the screen. Mordin had sent her a few files, with only a comment of _'might find useful. Or interesting. Not assuming motives, but still, better to be prepared. Mordin.'_ She frowned, using her Omni-tool to upload the data. A pamphlet for interspecies relations, specifically Human and Drell. She was thankful Thane was not here, or she might have wished for the Normandy to explode suddenly, to save her the shame.

Though she was curious.

_Skin to skin contact may result in rash,_ Mordin wrote,_ and oral contact can have possible side effect of hallucinations._ She raised an eyebrow at _that_. Were they talking kissing or… She shook herself. She was reading this, because she was curious, if not a little amused at Mordin's apparent lack of… humility. _Erogenous zones include (aside from the most obvious) along the throat to stimulate the hyoid bone beneath the red-pigment folds, as well as other ridged areas of Drell's outer skin. Hallucinations result from the ingestion of a venom (non-toxic to a certain extent to humans) secreted from the pores of Drell skin which is known to exert a hallucinogenic effect._

There were also some vids, though she cringed away from those; She didn't want to think about the sort of extranet sites that _they_ came from. Mordin really was a curious character, though she found him endearing in a way; with his lop-sided smile and his strange ramblings. She'd have to be wary what she said around him in future, though it made her wonder if he had sent similar information to Thane. She giggled to herself at the thought of Thane watching vids of the calibre Mordin had sent. Breasts were going to be the tip of the iceberg; Drell women didn't possess them, according to the pamphlets. The pamphlet also said, to her fascination, that Male Drell appendages were… ribbed. And when stimulated, would expand slightly. Interesting, to say the least.

It was due to this information that her next meeting with Thane resulted in a blush to her cheeks, though with their impending departure onto a mission he remained indifferent, and collected. She resisted the urge to give Mordin a blistering glare.

***

The reaper IFF was in their possession, and with all the squad focused, and the Normandy in the best shape possible, she felt no need to hesitate in heading for the Omega 4 relay. Their crew were on that Collector ship-- Dr Chakwas, Kelly, the engineers… She couldn't let them down now, not after everything they had done, after the loyalty they had shown her. She couldn't let herself rest until she knew she'd done everything in her power to save them.

Several hours wasn't that long, though after showering more out of compulsion than necessity, and after feeding her fish a bit more than she should, she found herself idle. Her bed was made, her armour ready, her weapons already checked by Jacob. Nothing to do but think.

It was on a mission like this when Kaidan had come to her quarters. They'd disobeyed the Council's orders, and Alliance protocol; who cared about rank, when the stealing of a military war ship was only the start of their crimes? They'd slept together that night, and it'd felt so _right_, nestled against his chest, dozing slightly after lovemaking.

He may well have not forgotten about her, but he'd turned his back on her. On Horizon, he'd said he couldn't trust Cerberus. She'd wanted to scream, Neither do I!-- but she'd composed herself before her teammates. Now was not the time to get upset about past hang ups. She'd been technically, uncatagorically dead for two years by her books, and everyone else's. she couldn't expect people to accept it straight away. Kaidan was alliance through and through. He would never join Cerberus. And she figured he'd never forgive her for being a part of it, nor understand her reasons. Not that she'd had much of a choice in the first place…

Damn it! They were taking thousands, upon thousands of human colonists-- the existence of their race was at stake, and the Alliance was doing fuck all about it! How could you stay loyal to them? They were blinkered, stumbling into a future that almost certainly wouldn't be there, were it not for Cerberus's efforts.

She ran a hand through her hair, staring at her reflection in the fish tank as she faced it. Black hair, pale skin tinged blue by the light, pale blue eyes, her father's sculpted cheekbones… the same lips as her mother. Faces she wouldn't be able to remember so well, were it not for the uncanny resemblance to both of them that she carried.

"Commander," EDI's blue light bathed her quarters in white-blue luminance. "Thane wishes to see you. Should I allow him access to your quarters?"

"Let him in, EDI," She bit down on her lip. God she really could do with talking to him right now. "And lock the door."

"Signing you out, Shepard."

EDI was gone, and she turned to face her door as the Drell assassin entered into her room. The door hissed shut behind him, the entry panel turning red. She stopped herself from speaking upon taking in his demeanour. His shoulders were slumped, his eyes darker, more brooding that usual, his full lips pulled tight in what she assumed must be a frown.

"Thane?" It was almost a whisper, as he stopped before her.

"Siha, I…" His name for her. Easier on the tongue than Shepard, and something special-- made her feel like a person, aside from Commander Shepard. Thane's Shepard, was Siha. "I have known I will die for many years. I've tried to leave the galaxy better that I found it."

He was pacing. Thane didn't pace. He was never on edge, never angry. She'd seen him shed tears on being reunited with his son, though she'd tried not to look. It stirred something within her.

"You have helped me achieve more than I thought possible. We've righted many wrongs. I've spoken to my son." His voice was almost a breath. "I… should be at peace, on the eve of battle."

She moved away from her desk, brow creasing with worry, understanding. He wasn't the only one, unable to rest. "Stop… Don't give me a speech." He'd stopped pacing, and he took a deep breath, eyes darting around her face.

"I'm… ashamed."

She reached out to him, but he took her wrist with firm fingers, moved her aside. She felt a wrench in her gut, sick at being so helpless to support him, when he needed her the most. His fist collided with the desk, and she glanced up, drawing in her bottom lip at the sight of tears glistening at his emerald cheeks.

"I have worked so hard. Meditated and prayed and done good deeds. Atoned for the evils I've done…" His eyes were on her, black pools of despair, and fear. "I consider my body's death and a chill settles in my gut. I am afraid, and it shames me." So even assassins, the harbingers of death, the executioners, feared death. She moved closer, pressed her body against his back, her cheek to his shoulder, and thread her fingers between his. He shifted his body around to face her, no longer resisting her.

"Siha…" the scent of his breath passed over her, and she felt her muscles relax into him. Cool hands caressed her cheek, slid to her neck, where they rested, where he waited. Shepard had waited long enough; screw her own personal protocol. She wanted him, now, or she might never know..

"Thane…Be alive with me tonight." His eyes were fully open, and she could see his irises in all their beauty- it was like looking into oblivion, endless black, though she could make out a warmer colour through the blackness, burning like fire.

She moved forward, her lips touching his softly, uncertainly. His lips were smooth, cool, and an experimental nip drew a ragged breath from within him, overwhelming her senses. The scent of his skin was unlike anything she had ever experienced before, and she pushed back her scientific curiosity to enjoy it for what it was; tangy, almost, with a hint of spices. She closed her eyes, parting her lips slightly to allow a breath to pass between them. His previously fallen tears slid slowly to his mouth, and she tasted it with the tip of her tongue; a familiar taste at least- saline, and bitter. She dragged her teeth across her bottom lip, moistening them, before moving closer.

His fingers worked their way into her hair, testing the texture; Drell didn't have hair, and she was sure it was a new experience for him-- probably one of many this evening. His tongue met hers, and a weight dropped from her chest to pit of her stomach, almost making her knees give way. He tasted sweet, like sugar, mixed with heady spice. Intoxicated, she wanted more.

Strong arms encircled her waist, tilting her backward, tilting her head to expose her throat, trailing gentle kisses along her neck, to her collar, where her shirt prevented further movement. His breathing was unsteady, fingers trembling beneath the shirt's hem at her waist, delicately, cautiously gripping her slender hips, testing his hold upon her skin. When she only sighed at the contact, he felt empowered to move on; running his hands up her body, lifting the fabric to expose her flesh, so warm beneath his cool, reptilian hands, allowing them to skirt over her breasts, up her slender arms raised above her head, to help him in his task.

Her delicate, almost too soft fingertips, trailed from his jaw, to the sensitive ridges at his throat drawing from him a low groan, almost a vibration, rumbling from within his chest. She eased the pressure, almost ghosting over the skin of his torso, where she was limited by his armoured suit. She pressed her lips to the recess in his chest, between his defined pectoral muscles, inhaling his scent like it wouldn't be there at any moment. He was addictive, he was wonderful…

"Siha…" Oh, if only she didn't have to respond to any other name… He'd claimed her mouth again, desperately trying to shrug away his leather-like suit, without breaking contact from her. She tasted so… _human_… salty, earthy, and she smelled clean, edged with something slightly floral he couldn't indentify. Her hair felt alien to him, though he enjoyed the sensation of running his fingers through it; it was akin to silken fabric, to flowing water, to…

Her body was so _warm_, against his chest as she slid her arms around his back and smiled up at him. "Am I supposed to hallucinate?"

"Apparently, Mordin seems to believe so." He responded inattentively, unable to draw his eyes away from the defined bone structure at her neck, shoulders, her ribs, drinking in the play of blue light on her ivory skin, travelling over the recesses of her belly button, the contours of her defined stomach, and her sharp hipbones.

"Hm. I'll thank him later." She drew him closer, firmly pushing the fabric of his form-fitting suit down his strong arms, until his upper body was exposed, like hers. His arm muscles were well defined, his skin patterned by tiny black markings, trailing from his wrists to his shoulders, and down his chest. His fingers dug at her thighs, as he bent slightly to lift her slender body from the floor. She felt her backside make contact with her desk, and she leant back, crown of her head pressed to the window as his warm mouth moved over her body, paying particular attention to her neck, her breasts, along her ribs, her hips, then back up to the sensitive area beneath her earlobe. She released a guttural groan, the muscles in her body spasming into inactivity, rendering her spineless.

He had definitely read up on Human erogenous zones.

"Thane, I…"

"Don't give _me_ a speech, Siha." He pressed a finger tip to her bottom lip, let it trail to the dimple in her chin, to the hollow where her collar bones met. Such a curious, though by no means unattractive anatomy.

Shepard only smiled, shifting forwards to slip her thighs around his waist, grinding their pelvises together. He grit his teeth at the contact, his fingertips a thrilling pain at the flesh of her waist. The scent of his breath, the taste of him under her lips was dizzying-- wait, was the hallucinogenic kicking in?-- and before she knew it, her back was pressing into something soft, the weight of another, Thane, hovering over her body. Spots started to appear before her eyes, and she started to experience the euphoria she associated with drinking a little too much Serrice ice brandy. The room swirled with brilliant colours that had nothing to do with a change in lighting, and even when she closed her eyes, she could _feel_ them, surging around her body, brightest at the points of contact with Thane's body.

"Thane…" Her finger tips explored his back, trailed along his spine, back to his neck. Her lips at the ridges of his throat warmed him inside, and he moaned softly, lips tight with ecstasy. Nestling himself between her thighs, he realised how much he'd wanted her; just sitting at his desk in Life support, fingers interlaced, had been becoming increasingly difficult for him recently; he'd noticed the dash of pink across her cheeks, the day after Mordin had sent out the vids, though he'd pretended not to notice.

The position was not uncommon to both species apparently; it worked well to stimulate both. His member brushed the sensitive places, and with a little tensing of her muscles, she felt the afore mentioned expansion, and gripped the sheets tightly in fisted hands. He fit so well, and the texture of him inside her, worrying all the right spots, made her wonder if she'd ever felt this way with a human before. Never mind a Drell.

His cool lips were at her earlobe again, whispering her name softly, _his_ name for her, nibbling, tasting her skin, maintaining a smooth, powerful rhythm that had her spine arching into him, her breasts flush against his textured chest, giving his shoulder an experimental suck, bite, until she knew it was good for him. Anything she did would be good for him.

He found himself losing his clarity, unable to withhold his vocal pleasure, the ridges at his throat humming, a deep vibration coming from within his chest cavity. She felt so right, so warm, and so moist around him. He wasn't going to be able to hold on for much longer… And if the pamphlet was accurate, she would surely not last much longer either…

She arched her back again, tightening her thighs around him, exposing her throat to his hungry lips. Her body was screaming at her, and she knew she was close… the colours were swirling faster, in beautiful hues of sunsets, and thunder… Her muscles started pulsing and her climax was welling up inside her chest, building up inside, until she couldn't hold on any longer, until she bit her lip almost to bleeding point, until she cried his name, her walls crashing around him until he couldn't think coherently any more. He too, growled his release, her tightening muscles almost too tight around him, drawing his climax from him.

"Siha, my love…" Her thighs shook around him, shaking fingers trailing affectionately across the recesses in his skin, eyes half lidded, pupils almost fully dilate. "Tell me what you are thinking." The aftershock of his orgasm died away, until every muscle of his body sighed in relief. All of his tension was gone, dissipated by her. His Siha.

She watched the colours pulse, fading in intensity. "_The first step to eternal life, is you have to die._ I read that somewhere, a while back. Always struck me a strange. But I guess… to you, it would make sense."

"Eternity is a long time, Siha. I shall await you there. Perhaps, we shall enjoy a little… freedom, once we get there."

"Sure sounds nice." She rested her cheek against his chest, listening to his steady heart beat.

"Are you alright? You are not hurting from… intercourse?"

She chuckled. "I am boneless. Whatever you drugged me with, it was something else."

"Siha, I did not wish to--"

"Shh," She pressed a limp finger to his lips. "I was kidding. There was no one else I would rather have spent my last night with, before heading into oblivion than you, Thane."

"I share the sentiment, Siha." He chuckled, a deep rumble reverberating from his chest. His fingers trailed lazy circles at her lower back. "It is strange that I should only awaken now, when there is so little time left."

"I'll find you a cure, Thane…" Relaxed muscles suddenly turned tense, his beautiful Siha, reverting back to Commander Shepard, taking the galaxy's troubles onto her barely adequate shoulders.

"Siha. My time will come, manifested in one form or another. Just know this: I have been dead for ten years, until this night. Tonight, I remember what it is to be alive."

"I am glad to have you by my side, Thane." She was propped up on her elbow, her tousled black hair tucked hastily behind her delicate ears, blue eyes wide and earnest. He saw the child in her. He pulled her small, hot body towards him, and let her cry gently into the hollow of his neck, brushing back her hair from her face. His Siha… She would always be Kara Shepard, yes, but to him, she was Siha Shepard. A fierce, proud, and passionate warrior, who protected those she loved.

"--and I am honoured to be there." He pressed a gentle kiss to her temple. "We should enjoy our time together. It may not be the last time, but to treat it as such is to make it treasured."

_Earthy, salty taste on your tongue. Pale skin cast silver by starlight. Warm body beneath yours, moving, breathing in unison. Siha. _

He wouldn't ever forget his moments with her. He would relive the feel of her supple lips moving against his, the sensation of her body beneath his hands for the rest of his days.

No matter how limited those may be.

_Hope you liked this ME2 fans, this is my first deviation from my usual genre, though it isn't my first attempt at writing romance. Please review, it will be interesting to see how I appeal to others outside my usual audience._

_Don't just add to favourites, I know who you are-- meanies!_

_I played as a femShep and naturally pursued a romance with Thane, because he is the coolest character in the games so far. I hope we can cure him in ME3. otherwise, major fangirl rage 3_


	2. Facing Forward

**I was surprised to see so many people add this story to favourites-- maybe more than 30 people-- but only 7 reviews. Come on, guys, give me one for the team! Please review, and I promise more, though I have no idea where this is going. Only time will tell. xx**

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They'd done it; Watched that god forsaken collector ship vanish in a cloud of fire, burning bright and true. They'd only lost Miranda, though the loss still hung heavy on her shoulders. Miranda deserved better than the life she'd had. Though, she thought bitterly, most people did. It was never about what you deserved. Otherwise, the galaxy would be a better place.

Tali had crawled through the sweltering pipe system, Garrus had lead the fire team, and both Thane and Jack had fought at her side against the human reaper. All the impossible, they had done.

Shepard shed her armour, tossing it unceremoniously outside of her quarters to be decontaminated, peeling away her under layers until she was stood in the cool of her room, enjoying the feel of air moving past her bare skin, toes chilled by metal flooring.

"EDI, don't let anyone up, unless it's important. I'm taking a long shower."

"Of course commander." The AI buzzed on momentarily only to offer her reply, before her room was left bathed only in the light from her fish tank, and the ethereal light from the stars outside.

Her shower couldn't have been any hotter, the blistering jets turning her skin red. Her muscles sagged, and she allowed her body to slide down the cool metal walls, the water beating against her back as she hugged her knees tightly. First Williams, now Miranda. Surely there must have been some way to save them! She gripped sopping hair in her fist and allowed herself to cry, because she was safe in her quarters, away from everyone, away from her duties, her responsibilities. Only then could she allow herself the luxury of regret.

She scrubbed away at her skin, washing away imaginary traces of blood, of dirt and dust from that monstrosity of a ship. She focused on the constant beat of water, the loud rushing sound it made as it hit her body, the tiles around her. Comforting white noise, like the hum of the ship's engine; not so true with the Normandy SR-2, though. Comforting sounds, like the gentle hum of another's breathing.

"EDI, call Thane. Let him in when he arrives." She called over the noise of the water, resting her head back, eyes closed, even though she had neglected to turn on the lights.

"Message sent and received, Commander."

She shut off the water, running her hands over her face briskly before wringing out her hair and wiping the mirror free of condensation. A conflicted, torn woman stared back at her. She frowned, raking fingers through her hair to bring it to some order. She pulled on something in her dresser that was anything other than Cerberus apparel. It reminded her too much of how pissed she was. Illusive Man, The Alliance, The Council… best intentions aside, they were all flawed. She chose simple white oversized shirt, and black shorts. No point in ceremony.

"You called, Siha?"

Oh, thank the galaxy for that voice. That deep rumble that promised her sanctuary, peace.

"Thane…" She seated herself heavily on the edge of her bed, and she felt his body move around her, place himself beside her.

"Am I to ease _your_ troubles this time?" A deep chuckle, though his hands were a gentle cool comfort at her shoulders. "You can stop being a commander, for now. Come." She needed no further invitation, throwing herself into his already open arms, and inhaling his scent again. It had been one night ago, but already it was too long.

"I couldn't save her, Thane."

"Miranda knew what she was to face. We all did."

"I wanted to think I could save everyone."

"You are only human, Siha. You are not immortal, despite what certain evidence may lead some to believe." She allowed herself a gentle smile. "Miranda didn't die just for you. She died protecting her race, her people."

"And you? What did you fight for?" She sniffed, gazing up into his obsidian eyes.

"My Son. For my team. For my morals. And for you. I couldn't let you go on without me, getting all the credit."

She wiped at her eyes, a smile tugging at her lips. "I'm still glad you're here, Thane. But I could use a drink."

Thane raised a brow. "I believe it has been too long a time for me to recall, since I consumed alcohol. Though I must add that Mordin passed something into my possession on my journey here to see you." It was her turn to frown, as she watched him cross her room towards her desk, where he must have set the item in question; a clear bottle filled with a colourless liquid. Thane raised it to the light, scrutinising its inauspicious contents. "I am to believe it is physiologically safe for both humans and Drell. And strong enough, by the looks of things."

"Mordin is really useful to know." She wondered out loud, taking the bottle from him, finding it already chilled. The bottle was not sealed, nor did it bear any manufacturers labelling: Mordin had most likely made this himself. "Well, his advice has been… useful so far," she hazarded a glance at Thane out of the corner of her eye. His arms were folded across his chest, lips turned up into an amused grimace.

"I couldn't agree more."

She rummaged around in her desk drawers and emerged triumphant, having procured two plastic glasses. She twisted the cap off the bottle using the edge of her shirt, giving an experimental sniff before pouring two generous measures. She frowned at the steam that seemed to be rising from it. Thane took his glass hesitantly, repeating her previous inspections, before returning his attentions to her. "To Miranda."

"May Kalahira guide her, and protect her." He twitched his glass in her direction, before screwing his eyes shut and placing the glass to his lips. He drained its contents.

"Gods!" Shepard spluttered, setting her glass down haphazardly. "That packs a punch."

"The sensation, though at first unpleasant, is replaced by a desire for repetition." His gaze returned to the open bottle.

"Indeed it is. May as well enjoy it. Who knows what tomorrow will bring."

"I think you may have _some_ theories and speculations you would benefit from sharing with me."

"Damn right I do."

* * *

She was ranting again. Bottle drained, fists waving, cheeks flushed red from exhilaration. It felt good to just get drunk because there wasn't anything else she could be doing, and most importantly, she could do it with her friends. She'd called them all up, having dressed herself more appropriately, and her room seemed a lot smaller, though by no means unwelcoming, when filled with her comrades. Jacob chinked glasses with her, his filled with a more familiar beer. Mordin seemed to be more interested in talking quietly to Thane, no doubt scrabbling for data or some kind. She caught herself smiling fondly more than once, through her drink-induced haze.

Garrus had brought wine and music, Jacob had brought up an amount of alcohol she was sure had to have been recently procured, and Kenneth had brought his pack of cards. Soon enough she was playing against Tali and the Engineers, Jacob and Mordin on her team. Mordin may be a scientist, but if he bothered to learn how to do something, he learned to do it well, and her side were soon raking back the credits she had lost.

"Damn it, Kenneth, you shouldn't bet against the Commander. You always end up losing!" Gaby groaned, tossing down her cards for the final time, turning to give her comrade a playful shove to the shoulder.

"Aye, kicking _her_ in the daddy-bags isn' goin' ta be an easy task!"

Shepard snorted on her beer, discarding her hand onto the now-abandoned pile of cards.

Thane had been watching their game quietly, leant against her wall in the corner, and she had been aware of his silence. He wasn't an incredibly social person, she mused, and she felt warm inside at the fact that she alone had broken through his barriers, and could have him all to herself.

Mordin was the last to leave the room, mumbling to himself as hesitated at the door. "If I may Shepard, I wish to ask a question or two. As a scientist, of course."

"Go ahead." She was reclined on her couch, legs stretched across Thane's knees.

"Have you noticed any skin irritation? I do have some ointment which could help."

"Nope."

"Very good. Also, would like to ask about finding possible cure for Thane's condition." At this, she sat upright, her eyes wide open.

"Go on. If you know something, please don't keep it quiet."

"Thane has already offered to participate in a few tests. Nothing too invasive. I can map his genome, perhaps personalise a drug for him. Nothing conclusive yet, but could work. Although, it would be expensive."

"I'll wire you the credits." She answered firmly, subconsciously gripping Thane's hand tightly in hers. "I'd even speak to the Illusive man… if I was sure he would be willing to help me anymore."

"Excellent, well leave it with me. I'll update you." The Salarian shuffled away, and she could hear him mumbling to himself long after her door had hissed closed. She felt something in her chest she'd not felt in a long time: the swell of hope.

Thane looked a little sheepish, if she could read him accurately, his brow ridges creasing a little, though a smile tugged at the corners of his lips. She was always fascinated by his lips; they looked as though they would be hard to the touch, though the beautiful emerald hue of his skin faded into peach at the inner half; she could almost taste him if she tried hard enough, though she wasn't satisfied with just her imagination, pulling at his leather collar, bringing him closer. They lay together in appreciative silence amongst her sheets for a little while, before she could contain herself no longer.

"How long have you been hiding that from me?" She pouted, though her tone was far from reproachful.

"He approached me concerning my illness when I first joined your cause, I must admit. Though I impressed upon him that it shouldn't take priority, and if it should, it would be after we had defeated the collectors."

"Noble." She grinned, closing her eyes as the room swayed a little before her. "Sounds like me-- putting the mission first."

"Yes, my drunk little Siha. It would have been wasteful to invest the time and effort should we have failed in our endeavour. At least now, Mordin has something to get excited about."

"He's another redemption-seeker-- Like me and you." She jabbed at Thane with her index finger. "He feels guilty about the Geno-whatsit."

"Indeed, the Geno-whatsit. Now he is curing _Thingy_ Syndrome." She giggled at his joke. It made her happy to see him relaxed somewhat.

"Now we've bought the galaxy some more time… would you come to the Citadel with me to try and convince that goddamn council we're not lying?"

"I believe that if we take out crew along, we may have as good a chance as ever. A good cross-section of the races of this galaxy fought beside you-- to call you a liar will offend many people."

"I hadn't thought of it like that." She brushed her hair aside, staring at her metal ceiling. "Though I still firmly believe they won't believe me."

"It would be foolish of them. Imagine if they were wrong two times in a row-- people would lose faith."

"I've been thinking about it a lot recently," She admitted, head now safely nestled into the crook off his arm. "If I were to send someone from each race to their people, maybe I could get some sort of fleet going on. Like… like the Quarian migrant fleet-- except on a galactic scale. Turian, Asari, Quarian, Salarian and Krogan-- anyone else even who wants to help us. I know We have achieved a lot in this one ship, but… a fleet of reapers would tear through us. Look what happened at the Citadel."

"I have only heard of the magnitude of the destruction there-- It amazed me to think that although the council saw it first hand, they are still reluctant to believe the Reapers are still a threat."

"Coming back from the dead as spectre in more than one sense of the word, having no-one believe you… its lonely."

"You will always have me, Siha. For as long as I am alive I will remain under your command."

"I'd like to ignore the talk of death, and concentration on the being under me part--" She hoisted herself up with surprising agility for someone who'd drank as much as she had, and straddled his waist, clumsy fingers working their way to his wrists. He relaxed under her, chuckling at her antics. She truly did make him feel alive.

"Siha, as much as I enjoy being, _ahem_, under you, I would ask you to shift down ever so slightly-- it is restricting my breathing."

Her eyes widened with horror, and she moved off him completely. His disease made it hard enough for him to breathe-- she wanted to help him, not make things more uncomfortable. "I'm sorry, I forget sometimes. You're so… strong and calm all the time. I don't think of you as dying."

He smiled gently, black eyes softening as he drank in her face. "I am glad that is so, Siha. I would not have it any other way. I wish to enjoy any time that is graced with your company. Although the saying may be redundant coming from a Drell, I am sure you will appreciate the sentiment; I will never forget you, my Siha. You have given me a reason to enjoy life."

She forced back the tears she felt surging at her tear ducts. "I've never met anyone like you. Maybe that's why I like you so much. You don't treat me like… Like the icon, Shepard. You judged me as a human, made your own opinion of me."

"Rumours and even commendations may not always be reliable. I was curious about you, I must admit." His chuckle reverberated in his chest, and she felt it in her fingertips, pressed against his smooth abdomen. "I never expected that I would be capable of… receiving your affections." She nuzzled into his neck, eliciting a gentle hum of appreciation from him.

"I've been thinking about giving everyone some shore leave-- and I was hoping you would accompany me somewhere." She ventured, trailing random shapes on his shoulder with her index finger. "I hear that Ileum has some rather striking deserts. We could go there for a little while."

"That sounds… intriguing. Of course, I would very much like to enjoy some time with you elsewhere than the Normandy."

He often enjoyed the play of different lighting on her ivory skin, in all of the different places their journey had taken them-- The red lights of Afterlife and Omega set it into synthetic flame, the blistering white sun had made it almost glow on Tuchanka-- he would immerse himself in all of these memories when he had some time apart from her, which was to say not very often. However, he wanted to make as many as he could while he _still_ could. No doubt his death would be slow-- many days spent bedridden. at least he would have something happy to dwell on in his final moments.

"Then I'll have Joker drop us off somewhere tomorrow." She murmured against his shoulder, a smile evident in her voice.

She slipped into a deep, dreamless sleep, though Thane remained awake, mind buzzing with facts that Mordin had enlightened him to. He shouldn't be so hopeful, but still… the thought of having decades, not years with his Siha was… Nothing short of a dream.


	3. Deterioration

**A note: Well, I miss Thane. That's pretty obvious. So I wrote this, listening to Jack Wall's Soundtracks for the games. Enjoy, fellow Krios Lovers! And as always, please review.**

**-0-**

**His Siha.**

**Deterioration**

Solipsism. Was it a curse, sometimes? Yes. Sometimes.

A seat in semi-shadow, and no-one would know whether he was living in the past or the present. A little darkness would conceal his dancing pupils, eyes wide as his brain was saturated with details; scents that were no longer there, light that had long stopped shining, sounds that had long since ceased. He remembered it all.

Sometimes, it came unbidden. The moment he met Irikah for example. He would often fall into that memory gladly. Others however, were not so comforting.

Shepard. Only the gods knew how wonderful those memories had been, the memories with her. That strong, pale beautiful human who had stolen his blackened, dying heart, and made it beat again in earnest.

_-Sunset eyes, staring at me defiantly through the scope, skin, the colour of desert sand- _It never failed to take his breath away. -_Irises, hard and cool, glaciers, unrelentless, unstoppable.- _

"Siha…" He whispered her name, leaning forward in his seat in the shadows. There was none to hear his address, the loud Omega club continuing to buzz around him. The incessant thud of the bass carried on, the chink of glasses, shouting, giggling…

_-The scent of ethanol thick on the air, everything white and sterile. Leather creaking beneath you as you sit and wait-_ Grunting in annoyance, Thane got to his feet, slipping silently through the crowd. Just a shadow, nothing more. He barely even raised a glance from anyone. They never saw him leave… never saw his arrive… _-ocean-coloured skin, cool in his hands, as he set her down to die, the scent of burned flesh assaulting his olfactory senses. Shepard, glowing bright in the Illium sunset-_

He was standing in a corridor he didn't recall walking to. Steam buffeted out of a nearby vent. The smell told him it originated from a kitchen of sorts. He faced a dead-end. Sighing, he turned on his heel, only to find he was not alone.

Two Vorcha, another Batarian. Uniforms, blue: Blue suns.

"We don't get many Drell on Omega." The Batarian commander grunted, brandishing his pistol menacingly.

"You should look more closely," His deep voiced hummed in the metal-walled alley. "Over there, for instance." In the brief second of their distraction, he was able to call upon the shadows to guide him. Stepping back into the mask of the steam, he drew his Pistol and fired off three fatal shots. –_The assassins dropped dead at his feet, though nothing, no amount of deaths would bring her back. The taste of revenge was tainted-_ His vision swam.

He needed to get off Omega.

-0-

The Normandy was a hub of activity, bustling with officers and crew. Shepard paced her rooms, fatigues tossed to the ground. She could think more clearly with the metal panelling beneath her bare feet. She tucked her black hair behind her ears hastily, grunting in annoyance as the shorter strands only fell in her way again.

Just biding time… wasting time…

"Commander Shepard," EDI addressed the room coolly, bathing the steel in a calm blue glow. "I have received an unknown transmission from Omega. Should I patch you through?"

She frowned, crossing to her console with two strides. "Yes, EDI."

She only momentarily fumbled with her earpiece before the transmission wavelength came up on her screen. "This is commander Shepard of the Normandy speaking. I would ask that you state your name, and your reason for reaching me on this secure wavelength."

"_Siha_."

"Thane!" She exclaimed, dropping the authoritive tone in an instant. "You're—where are you? I've been trying to find you-"

"_I have tried, and I have failed. I… I am on Omega."_

"I'm on my way, Thane. Stay safe… please. And stay PUT this time!" She was pulling on her trousers already, shouting to EDI to set co-ordinates for the Omega system.

-0-

Her suit felt itchy all of a sudden, as she waited impatiently in the airlock for the Normandy to dock. Come on, come on…

"Nervous?" Garrus intoned coolly at her right hand.

"Shut up, Varkarian." The hum of the decontaminant didn't mask his dry chuckle.

-0-

He was waiting at the dock, calm as you please, hands folded behind his back in the classic Thane manner. But something was wrong, she saw it instantly. They shook hands, mostly for Jacob and Garrus' sake, and were back on the Normandy and pulling out of dock as soon as the airlock doors closed shut behind them.

She ushered him to Mordin immediately, making sure her commander's stride was well used as she crossed the bridge. She was looking out for a colleague. Nothing more.

Pressing the button for the lift a little too hard, she tapped her foot as she waited. Thane was as calm as ever- did that frustrate her more? The lift arrived with a polite 'bing'.

Once inside, she took a deep breath. "What the hell were you thinking?"

"Siha, I…"

"Don't start with that. It's Shepard to you! Do you want to explain to me why you just left _my_ ship without so much as a 'I'm just nipping out for milk'?"

If he was human, she supposed that his eyebrows would be raised. Instead, his wide black eyes seemed to refocus on her face. "I apologise, Si- _Shepard_. I… I needed to try and find answers. I was… deteriorating." He lowered his chin slightly. An acceptance of guilt.

"Be that as it may, do you realise how insulted Mordin is? He's one of the best geneticists alive, and you seek out outside help?"

"Was that a joke, Shepard?" He inquired politely. "After you."

The elevator had reached the crew deck, and she hadn't quite noticed. Flustered, she stalked out of the cabin and took a sharp left, toward life support. In answer to his silent question, she said; "Its more arid in here, remember. I thought you would be more comfortable."

"I… thank you."

-0-

He had disappeared shortly after they had visited the Citadel on yet another fruitless plea trip. No, the council wouldn't just give them a fleet of ships on their word, no 'suspicions', that the reapers planned to harvest all organic life…. Again.

It had all been so promising. Mordin had been holing himself away, carrying out research, and Thane had participated in regular testing. His relationship with Kolyat was going relatively well. The boy was angry still, yes, but they had some time to make amends before…

Then he hadn't returned to the Normandy. So unlike him to be late or forgetful, yet it had taken an hour for her to be fully convinced that he just wasn't coming. No reports of a Drell being ambushed on the Citadel. Nothing. He had just left her side, just like that, after everything.

She kicked the edge of her desk to vent some of her frustration. If there was something she hated, it was feeling like she had been betrayed.

She had left him in life support with Mordin and Dr Chakwas, unable to face him in the company of others. She didn't want to just scream at him, though if she were to do so, it would be in privacy.

EDI burst into life in her room an hour later, announcing that Mordin wished to report to her. Sighing heavily, she allowed the Solarian entry, not really feeling up to listening to his ramblings.

"Shepard. His condition has… significantly worsened. I cannot say why but… his cerebral function is beginning to wane. He tells me that he is unable to control the Drell ability of solipsism, often losing chunks of time to his recollections. Worrying. Should keep him under surveillance."

"Ah." She felt a little guilty for her treatment of him, yet still… "Does he… wish to speak to me?"

"You are the commander Shepard," Solus politely reminded her. "If it is his wish, it must be yours also."

-0-

Staring at his interlaced fingers as a form of meditation, he focussed on the gentle hiss of the dehumidifier and the distant hum of the generator. He found it helped to stop him falling uncontrollably into memories against his bidding. It was draining, however, especially in a room which held so many memories for him. Though, they weren't bad ones, by any means. Perhaps he could just slip—

-_hands, pale and white, warm between his. Calm blue eyes, questioning, open. The Armour of the warrior Goddess, glinting in the light of a trillion suns, blood of the fallen staining that pure white skin- _Someone calling his name –_bullets. So many bullets, firing off into space and time… her lips, moist and wanting, meet his, and all thoughts are knocked into oblivion-_

"Thane!"

There she is, his beautiful and terrible Siha. Her forearms are bare, her hands gentle as she reaches out to touch his face. "…Shepard."

"Thane, please, I'm sorry… I shouldn't have… I should have understood." She shakes her head, hair the colours of the void falling into her eyes, as it always seemed to.

"Shepard…"

"I'm here. Come, let's get you up."

He didn't recall falling from his seat, though the overturned chair and his current position confirmed that it was so. The clatter must have alerted a crew member.

"I'm sorry, Si—Shepard, I shouldn't have left your side. I made an oath to you once," –_Ilium, sunset. She is sweating, breathing heavily form the exertion of her battles along the way up to find him. The sun glints in her eyes as she gazes upon him with barely contained wonder.- _"I… I promised I would follow you to the end and I failed you."

"No, no you didn't. You were just scared. It's ok to be afraid." –_he barely feels the pain as he drives his fist into the desk, though at the touch of her hand, he comes undone. He _is_ afraid, for the first time in a long time. Though in her eyes, he sees the same fear. They are different, yet the same.-_

He realises belatedly that she made no effort physically lift him from the floor. His lapses into memory must be more frequent now. "I am not afraid when I am with you, Shepard."

"Please, Thane," She is whispering now, holding his palm to her cheek. "Stop calling me Shepard. I'm you're Siha, remember."

"Yes… Siha."

-0-

She never liked therapists. Not after her early military career mishaps, nor after the death of her father. They patronised her, made her feel stupid and inferior. She was a commander of a state of the art warship for heaven's sake, not some blubbering green marine longing for home. Yet Mordin had insisted.

"There is more to it than just Thane. You felt betrayed. Why is that?" The therapist was a particularly round-face Asari with beautiful lilac-toned skin, with an almost too-soothing voice, considering Shepard was lying on her back on a very comfortable sofa.

"It was… after Kaidan." She admitted to the ceiling fan, staring resolutely in front of her.

"Alliance, right? You two worked together during the siege of the citadel."

"And before that. We… we were close." For a time, at least.

"Close? And what does that mean to one such as yourself? You are a strong woman, with a very notable reputation. Nothing like this ever happened before, am I right?"

"Sex is very much part of the military, whether or not the alliance chooses to acknowledge it. All that aggression has to be spent somewhere, and strangely enough, fraternisation is more harshly punishable than starting a fight in the barracks," Shepard chuckled to herself. "I was just a lowly recruit once, and I had my weaknesses. But to get up high, you have to learn to prioritise. You have to… squash down your emotions."

"-Hence why many of the higher ranking alliance members are required to attend so many psyche sessions in a year." She said this with an air of displeasure, as though she disapproved of Shepard no-doubtedly blank file.

Kara Shepard snorted, folding her arms across her chest. "Well, as you may know, we technically stole the Normandy to carry out some heroics. We were bound up in the frenzy of it all, and I guess… We'd gotten to know each other pretty well after everything that we'd been through on that ship…"

"Then of course, you died, for all intents and purposes. How did that make you feel?"

Those damn patronising questions again. "It made me feel like shit, to be honest. Lost, and confused. Why had Cerberus taken an interest in my broken bones and my desiccated corpse? Only they could tell you that. But Kaidan didn't see it like that. He saw my disappearance as some sort of betrayal of his damn gold and shiny alliance ideals. He didn't see the big picture, what was really at stake."

"But Thane did?"

She paused, drumming her fingers on her forearms. "Yes, I suppose so." Her voice was quiet and she considered the question. "Thane was, well he is… dying. He wanted to make a difference, to make a mark on the galaxy before he could accept his death. Some warrior's philosophy or something…" she waved a dismissive hand.

"Yet something changed?" The Asari prompted, furtively tapping away at her hand held tablet.

"I think it was just fear. He didn't want to die anymore."

"-Because of you."

"Hell, who said anything about-"

"Because he fell in love with you." The therapist raised her voice over Shepard's, not looking up from her tablet. Shepard realised somewhat belatedly that she had gotten to her feet, the blood pounding in her ears.

"Its not so wrong is it? I'm a human woman after all, Don't I deserve-"

"And he is a renowned Drell assassin, feared the galaxy over."

"And I am Commander Kara Shepard, known in every fucking rathole in this galaxy. So tell Mordin that I'm in control and I don't give a shit about his piece of crap therapy sessions-" she continued ranting long after she had walked out of the door, blissfully unaware in her fury that the therapist was smiling as she neared completion of her report.

'_Kara is making excellent progress coming face to face with her fears and concerns, and her own identity as not only a human, but as a woman.'_

_-0-_

Mordin was in his element, tossing equipment out of cupboards here and there, punctuating each dismissal with a running commentary of babble. It made Thane's head ache somewhat, yet there was a kind of peace to watching the Salarian bustle around in his natural habitat. It spared him from thinking, to watch another do so so loudly.

"No, this won't do. AH! Perfect, now if I could just find that mouthpiece. Where did I put. It. Hm…"

It was bliss.

"Mordin! You sly son-of-a-bitch, that therapist was a complete waste of my time! I swear to god if she even so much as looks at me with a clipboard in her hand again I'll—Thane? You're awake."

Her form, so animated seconds before visibly fell away. He almost laughed, were it not for the pain in her eyes as she looked upon him. That was one of the reasons he had wanted to leave. Should his treatment fail… which it most likely would, he didn't want her to witness his slow degeneration. She deserved so much better.

"Shepard, you are back earlier than expected. Mr Krios's condition has improved slightly since his recovery from sedation. Perhaps you could entertain him whilst I- ah! In the flax cylinders! I knew I'd left it somewhere!" The Salarian bustled away to the rear of the room, leaving her somewhat alone with Thane.

"Your session did not go well." He stated, fingers interlaced calmly in his lap. He looked so beautiful, so vibrant beneath the too-white lighting in the laboratory. So many shades of emerald green adorned his toughened skin, and she almost forgotten how black and depthless his eyes could be.

"You look better." She noticed aloud, leaning a little closer. Perhaps it was just the enhanced lighting, but his eyes were much darker than they had been in his delirious state the previous day. They had taken on a most unhealthy grey hue.

"It is only temporary, no doubt. Though I do not think Omega- the lights, the smells, the noise- helped my mind to remain cleared."

"Listen, I said some things yesterday, and I wanted to-"

Mordin announced his return with a not so inconspicuous throat-clearing cough. "I have managed to assemble a proto-type piece of apparatus. Now when the gene splicing sequence is complete, we can insert the vectors into some form of aerosol. I believe bi-weekly treatments would suffice at first, until we can know fully the potency of the treatment."

"Do you think this could work?" Shepard dared to ask, not caring whether Mordin was present or not and taking Thane's cool palm between her own.

"Hm. Hard to say. Usually dosage efficacy takes a lot longer to refine in laboratory testing prior to phase three patient trials. We don't have that time. Will have to do. I shall monitor it closely, and make adjustments as we go. Will record findings. May also help other Drell in future." His eyes unfocussed momentarily, as his speech trailed off into nothing. "Well, I'm very busy, must get back to work. Talk soon, Shepard."

She took that as a sign to leave, gesturing to Thane to follow her. She needed to get some things off her chest, make amends for what damage she might have done. They almost reached the elevator, when a familiar voice stalled her hand before she could depress the call button.

"Shepard?"

"Alenko, what are you doing here?"

**-0-**

_**To be continued…**_


	4. Surrender

**Hello all! It's been a while with this one, but with ME3 events to consider, I wanted to continue.**

4. Surrender

The very air of the CIC had seemed to drop a few degrees. Over the blip of all the machinery and monitors, Shepard could sense the silence, the absence of the usual bridge chatter. Kelly Chambers cleared her throat testily. The noise was almost rude.

"I… I authorised Kaidan coming board, Commander," Kelly snapped into activity, saving her from her sudden speechlessness. "Lieutenant Alenko, please follow me to the briefing room. The commander will see you there." The red-head bustled away with Kaidan in tow. His expression was resolvedly fixed.

"Was this anything to do with you, by any chance?" Her Drell companion remained still and silent. "Fine, keep your secrets. I suppose I'd better get this over with. I'll come down to life support later."

She passed Kelly, who whispered a consolatory good luck as their paths crossed. He'd be the one needing good luck, the way her mood was looking. Popping her joints as she walked, Shepard walked the longest few metres of her life to the briefing room

"Commander," He saluted, and she resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Alliance, through and through. Well, if he wanted to play that game.

"Lieutenant. To what do I owe this pleasure?" She tried to make her voice sound sour, avoiding thinking about that message she'd received at her private terminal in the days following Horizon. That day had changed everything for her.

Damn. She was starting to think like her therapist.

"I have a message for you from some old Alliance friends. If you're still inclined to speak with them that is."

_Are you trying to be clever, Kaidan?_ She rested her weight upon her hands, gripping the table top a little tighter than normal. "Well, what is it?" She had never been one to give lengthy speeches. Her dialog had always been to the point, aiming to extract all necessary information at minimum effort. No point in wasting her breath here, either. Alenko was very set in his ways.

"Alliance command wants you to hand yourself in. Captain Anderson and Admiral Hackett have requested you return to Earth, Vancouver." Alliance headquarters? That was never a good sign.

"Is that all, Lieutenant?" She creased her brows, The blip-blip of machinery accentuated the deadly silence between speech. "Is that the message you came all the way here to give me?!"

He sighed, lowering his gaze. "I… I guess they thought you might listen to me, and I had to try. I had to hope you would listen to reason. Out here you're a criminal, Shepard. But to most of us in the Alliance… you're still a damned hero. If you turn yourself in… you get your reputation back. Back from Cerberus."

She set her jaw, trying to ignore his insistent stare. She noted his use of pronouns; how they didn't include her, nor did they separate him from the Alliance.

"My reputation…" She almost snorted- If only that were the only thing at stake. "You think this is about my _reputation_?"

"Shepard…" He was trying to correct himself, minimise any collateral damafe.

"No Kaidan! It's about so much more than that, dammit! I know why they ask me to go to Vancouver, and what good will I be there Kaidan?! You know me—I'm a soldier. I was made to be out here, in the middle of space, fighting humanity's damn battles!" She let her hands drop to her side with an audible smack. "I've seen things, Kaidan—we're in the middle of a damn war-A war that they are still denying, and will continue to deny until it is too late."

He had nothing to say to that, instead appearing to examine the grain of the board table before him with astute interest.

"I have seen the Reapers Kaidan… They are coming for us."

Warm brown eyes that had once gazed into hers with affection, even desire, lay a heavy stare upon her at her words. She could see it—he didn't, or at least didn't want to, believe her. It was fear; she had seen it in the faces of many before his.

When would they ever learn?

She was right.

She didn't want to be, but she was.

-0-

_A ruby sun sets her skin ablaze. She feels warm, she is calm, contemplative. _

"Thane?"

"Hm. Sorry, I was just… thinking."

"Of course, but would you grab this?" The small Cerberus transport ship had taken them to an old research facility which had been converted to luxury apartments. She had messaged the owner, and on confirming her identity, she had offered her the best suite free of charge, mentioning something about working with Liara T'Soni.

Shepard hadn't been surprised at _that_; Liara was very well connected after all. And they'd all been so doubtful it would be of use to have aliens on board; Ashley Williams, XO Pressley, Udina, and even Joker to an extent had been mistrusting of aliens, though her philosophy was considerably more accommodating.

Humanity was her race, yes, but she didn't like everyone. She judged a person by their worth, by how they treated her, and she'd transferred this rule to alien races, too. Not every Asari was spiritual, not every Turian was obsessed with war, and tactics. And not every Salarian was smart. She couldn't trust all of them, though there were some that she could. She figured that making alliances with people from all races, she would set herself in good stead for the bigger picture.

And she had been right.

Knowing so many people, helping those who may not seem important had certainly paid off. Across the galaxy there was a spattering of people she would bet were loyal to her- Aria T'Loak may be dangerous, though by no means of no use, Urdnot Wrex on Tuchanka, leader of the Krogan, not to mention many others she'd helped along the way. And to some extent, she'd reaped the rewards for her efforts. Though she had a feeling she was going to have to ask for a few returned favours in the time ahead.

But for now, all she had ahead of her was four days and four nights of nothing. Absolutely nothing. No reports, no meetings, no more scrabbling for resources- not even her fish to feed thanks to Kelly. Only Thane. And it suited her just fine.

She'd requested for the humidity of the room to be dry, and warm, for Thane's comfort more than anything; Humans had the advantage of osmoregulation over Drell, at least, and she could deal with it being a little drier than she was used to. Thane had sighed with relief, dropping his pack inside the door, before crossing to the window.

"Is this alright for you?" She inquired, sauntering over to his side and slipping her arm through his. He smiled gently, brow ridges smooth, eyes closed.

"It is the most comfortable I have been in a long while, Siha. This is ideal for a Drell such as myself."

"I could have Mordin install a similar humidity control in my quarters- he mentioned something about it last time I saw him." She chuckled, recalling how she'd had to almost physically run past his lab these past few days, to escape his scientific verbal vomiting.

"Then there would be no reason for me to leave," He remarked, his gentle laugh a purr in his throat.

"That was the idea."

It was supposed to be her shore leave- a much deserved one, mind- yet damned duty in all its pervasive forms was niggling at her doubts. "You think I should go, don't you?"

"It is not my decision to make, Siha." His shoulders were kept firm, wrists locked in place at the base of his spine. "The Alliance is important to you. If you want to return then… you should do it for you, and not for anyone else." She wondered if he had meant to say 'for him'. For Kaidan.

She kicked distractedly at the Ilium dirt, worrying her bottom lip. She almost found herself funny at times; she would hurl herself into uncharted space without a second's thought, risking life, death and everything in-between. Yet when it came to deciding if she would turn herself into the Alliance or not… a relatively harmless decision, and yet it seemed she stood to lose everything. Her sense of pride rested solidly on the foundations of the decisions she had made; not one would she take back, not one bullet did she regret firing.

But if she went back, everything would be picked apart, analysed to death until she doubted herself down to every footstep, every breath, and those foundations would be gone.

Diplomats. She'd always hated them. A decision made on the battle field was a lot more cut and dry when lives were at stake. The choices she had made so far had seemed right, based on her firm sense of morality and good judgement. Politics complicated things, raised questions again and again, as if she hadn't considered them already…

God damn it, she was doing it again! Just the thought of Udina and all he represented made her blood pressure spike, made her want to suddenly punch something…

"Siha." A cool palm slid into place at the nape of her neck, soothing her racing heart. "You can face them soon enough. For four days though, I must insist on your full attention Commander."

"Commander, hm?" A ghost of a smile tugged at her lips. "Get inside Krios, before I change my damn mind."

-0-

She had made him promise to find a good doctor, to take life easy until she saw him again. And as the pressurised door slid shut with a hiss, cutting him off from her sight for the last time, she wondered if she _would_ ever see him again.

Mordin hadn't had enough time to develop any sort of conclusive treatment, or at least nothing that would beat the conventional treatments already available. Thane was entering the final and fatal stage of Kepral's syndrome. His months were numbered, she knew as much, yet what she didn't know was how long she would be chained to Earth for.

She'd finally decided to go, stood alone and staring at the Thessian skyline. In the centre of the desert, on a moonless planet, she had expected total darkness. Parnitha, the system's sun, beat down upon the blood-coloured dusts beyond the horizon, the orange and ruby light bleeding up into the indigo-black expanse of the skies. The stars looked magnificent.

What else could she do? Run? Become the criminal that they feared she already was? She owed the Illusive Man nothing. She owed them everything; Alliance was who she was, who she would always be. They were family- they might piss her off from time to time—hell, all the time—but she was honour-bound to do her duty, to do what was best for them.

She bid her crew good bye, one by one, wondering if she would see them again, too. They all had their own people to worry about. They all knew the threats they could face, and the best she could do for them was to send them off with her cautions and warnings. To be afraid was to be prepared. To be unaware was to be dead.

Her legs felt heavy as she disembarked the Normandy for the last time in Vancouver, chin held high as she faced a sea of uniforms; dignitaries with their shiny bandages and gold stripes of service, armed soldiers, fresh faced and eager to lay eyes on the famous (or sometimes infamous) Commander Shepard.

She'd read on an Earth Extranet news site that she had been sighted bearing scars which seem to glow like the fires of hell upon her face. She'd laughed at that, choking on her morning coffee—those scars had healed long ago now. However people wanted to see her, then that's how they would see her. She couldn't care less what people thought. It's the facts that mattered.

She told herself this over and over as she was frog-marched before the generals and admirals of the alliance navy.

Days of tribunals and hearings lay ahead, yet she couldn't quite muster the emotion to be worried about the consequences she might face. As each day went by, all she could think about was that the Reapers had got one more day to prepare. Galactic civilization was losing valuable time.

She made her argument, and stuck to her guns in front of officials and diplomats. Her constant arguments and enforcement of facts that they continued to dispute in spite of all the evidence was draining her of her energy. In her quarters at night she would do press ups until her navy alliance fatigues were soaked with sweat. The uniform was for politeness really; they were devoid of any insignia or badges that displayed her rightfully earned rank within the Alliance military. For as long as her incarceration lasted, she was effectively stripped of everything she had earned, fought and bled for.

She was effectively nobody, rarely glanced upon anymore, ignored and no longer of use.

Or at least, right until it was too late.

_What do we do?_ They had asked, desperation etched into their faces, still not wanting to believe that what she had been telling them all along was right on their doorstep, too late to stop…

_We fight. Because if we don't we die._ Her voice reverbed in the marble hall, and she realised just how angry she sounded. It was too late, damn it! She should have done more… She should have stayed on the Normandy…

London, Washington, Paris, Berlin, all seats of Humanity's greatest democracies, pinnacles of their civilisation, were now cast in the shadow of the Reapers. Already, as she stood there, dread settling in her stomach, thousands were dying, not given enough warning. Not given any warning…

Then the building around her shook, there was a blinding red light, and everything exploded around her.

-0-

To be continued.


End file.
